Keely's Evaluation Results

Christian and I met with the psychologist. We thought we knew what to expect; what we heard surprised us.

FIRST, everything that is wrong with her is NOT due to some circumstance in her life. It is not due to a traumatic incident or what has been going on between Christian and I. It is genetic. These problems surfaced as a toddler... as some of you know, she was always... different. When she was 3, it was hard to really diagnose her with anything because she was so young. So, when she was young, they said "it looks like it will be this and looks like that..." they wouldn't formally diagnose her because she was so young. She DOES NOT have Asperger's Syndrome like they thought. AS kids are not this aware of their feelings and emotions. They are not this aware of what's going on inside them or outside around them. This surprised us the most, but when the psychologist explained everything, it made a lot of sense.

Keely was anxious through the evaluation, sometimes angry, sometimes oppositional. She has a very negative overall perception over life, and a VERY negative perception of me. Her "working memory," where you take in info in the environment and try to figure out what you may or may not already know, is being affected by her emotional problems. The attention problems may not be from ADHD, but instead because she is so focused on her anxiety, negativity and emotional problems. The medication that she was on at the time of testing stays in the body for a longer period of time, so the test was inconclusive (she failed 1 of 3 tests). Basically, her cognitive tests all came back in the average to superior range (that means her brain is working great).

She is 7. A normal 7 year old is usually pretty oblivious to what is going on internally. Oh, not with Keely. She is very aware of her anxiety, depression, strain on her social interactions and behaviours; she is very emotionally distressed and has a very low self concept. A VERY SIGNIFICANT level of depression. She has a pretty significant level of anxiety which she manifests into physical problems (being tired, tummy aches, potty problems, headaches). This anxiety is almost obsessive compulsive. She has to have things in order and if they aren't they stress her out and she dwells on it until it is changed.

She is a highly reactive child. This has been since birth. She has an over reactive central nervous system and gets set off by stimulation. She is very hyper reactive and this leads to a lot of anxiety. A situation to explain this is if someone bumps into you. You and I would see it as, "Oh, we bumped into each other," whereas Keely interprets it as, "This person did it on purpose." She has no rational thought, she thinks purely on emotion.

She also has an attachment disorder. This had been since she was a baby. The core is that she has problems with trust and this results in problems with relationships. As long as things are going okay in her mind, everything is fine. Once something changes (and this is usually a misperception on her part) and it is not her way, all hell breaks loose. She perceives this as being done directly to her as a result of her trust issues. It's a vicious cycle because you never know what is going to set her off.

1st Quarter, 2009

4 months into 2009. Things have been chaotic, stressful, extremely hard to deal with and there has been a few glimpses of fun. I have tried so many times to write a new blog, but the emotional side of Marce took over and I couldn't finish. This is going to be scatterbrained and terribly wrote. I'm running on 4 1/2 hours of sleep, a whole lot of stress and just plain exhaustion. This has taken a few attempts to write and get across right.

January and February:
Kids behaviours started to spiral downwards. Keely became very angry, hard to even talk to. She would temper tantrum in her room for over an hour at a time 1-3 times a day. She wasn't the same child. She started talking about ways to kill herself (and for those of you who think "She's 7, she is looking for a reaction out of you..." NO.)

March:
The spirling Keely went from depressed with huge outbursts to the kid who pulled away from my hand in parking lots and running in front of moving cars. The kid who tried to get out of the house to lay down in the street and wait for a car to run her down. The kid who in the middle of eating dinner looked up and said, "I wish I knew how to get over the back fence so I could get hit by the train right now." SO... March 04, I took her to the pediatrician and told him how far down she had gotten in the past 3 weeks. He wanted to have her admitted to a Mental Health Hospital about an hour a way. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to hear or do. During her week there, I saw her every day and talked to her on the phone every night. It was good for her to be there. The psychiatrist said that she has a mood disorder but didn't want to do a full diagnosis on her. Now she is on Prosac for her depression and Concerta for her ADHD (which has also made a huge difference on her behaviours). She started seeing her pediatrician weekly. She started seeing her counselor weekly. Although she seems so much happier, the counseling has seemed to bring up A LOT of emotional issues regarding me.

April:
Keely is continuing to see her counselor once a week. She had an evaluation on the 6th; I get the results May 4th. Colin has started weekly counseling with a FANTASTIC man who is a Certified Anger Resolution Therapist. On the 23rd, he had a full evaluation; I get the results May 12th. He started a new dosage of Concerta the first week of April and it has made an AMAZING change in his attention span. His teacher has reported that all of a sudden with the change of medication dosage he has made leaps and bounds. He has started to grasp sounding out words and started trying to write. The lightbulb turned on in his head and he grasps simple addition and subtraction. The best part is that when he starts to count, he does pretend dots in a straight row. Nobody can figure out how he knows when to stop the straight line of numbers, but in his head, he somehow does. It's rather impressive to watch.

During the first week of April, we added a new hobby to the mess. It's been a great new hobby on many levels. We have become owners of chickens. How? Why? Well, it all started like this... Mum and I were talking and joked about turning the garden area into a chicken coop and turning the doghouse into a henhouse for fresh eggs. 3 days later, construction began. We started with 3 fluffy day-old chicks and four day-old ducklings (the key word in that sentence is "started"). So, the girl with an absolute fear of birds has found herself loving ugly chickens.

The moral of the story, I've been pretty damn busy with going to doctors appointments and counseling appointments. I also take Mum out all the time due to her needing double knee replacement; I'm the chauffeur. More to come soon...

Hi January, How ya Doin'?

Hello January! I know that I've only known you for 3 days now, but I just wanted to say one thing... thanks for starting out uneventfully.

The End of December

So Christmas has come and gone. It's almost a new year. What a year. I know I said it last year... "2008, can't be worse than 2007" but that was a BLOODY TERRIBLE LIE!!!!! 2008 was MUCH worse than 2007. So I'm crossing my fingers with this one.... 2009 PLEASE DO NOT LET IT BE WORSE THAN 2008!!!!!!!!!!

I would recap the year for you, but I'm not in the mood.

The kids had a VERY small Christmas this year. We didn't have a tree or many gifts at all. The highlights: Keely is IN LOVE with her Easy Bake Oven. Colin got 2 Star Wars Transformers. Keely got some new books and workbooks. Colin got new clothes... Star Wars clothes rather. :)

Well... I'm off to go get some chompers brushed and toss them into bed. I just wanted to give a small update on Christmas. Woo! (can you read my enthusiasm?)

XooX to all my friends and family who tune in.

4 Days 'Til Christmas...

This isn't going to be a typical bouncy blog.. not that they have been the past few months... for those who I have been ignoring... for those who keep wondering why I'm not returning calls or emails or texts... I am sorry. The Marcia that everyone knows is still here... just in fleeting spurts. Today's blog will be some rambling about the inner workings of my mind. Again... not the happiest of places right now. And why am I publishing everything in a blog and not email individuals... I have ZERO email addy's! I have the laptop here and the PC (with EVERYTHING on it) is still at Christian's house. It's funny calling it his house... Anyway.... so... the only way I can get the info out is thru... tada... the blog. So... without further ado... My ramblings (stream of conscious style because I don't have it in me for proper spelling, grammar, punctuation, proof reading or paragraphs)....

I feel myself shutting down. I'm having trouble getting excited about anything. I'm finding myself just sitting alone in my room while the kids were at school just laying. I look at the clock and 3 hours had passed. Not sleeping. Not playing online. Not thinking. Just laying. I don't know if the anti-depressants aren't enough anymore even though I'm on a pretty big dosage? I know the anti-anxiety pills side of the Lexapro hasn't been enough. I'm taking the Xanax pretty constant right now. As soon as I let myself think it seems like I go into a panic. Such simple tiny things send me into a huge wave of anxiety. I've never felt quite this bad in my life. I'll send someone a text... and if I don't get a response suddenly I'm thrown into a wave of fear that I have upset the person????? Yeah... not like me AT ALL. I feel like I'm some 15 year old high school girl all over again with the huge waves of drama... even though this time it's unintentional. As a lot of you know, I have always had issues sleeping. I'm back on that same roller coaster... getting maybe 2 hours of sound sleep per night. The rest I'm up every 20-40 minutes... The only nights I really sleep decent are the nights that I have a phone sleep-over with someone (and if you happen to read this, I know I tell you often, but i REALLY REALLY appreciate the nights you are there for me). And for all of you who are thinking "you have got to be kidding me... falling asleep on the phone all night long stuck to your ear... blah blah blah...." shut up. I don't care what you think. Yes, it's psychosomatic. Leave me alone. It could be just the rhythm of breathing that is white noise in the background... it could be a lot of things. All I know is that the phone sleep-overs help me get thru the night. I feel comfortable and safe... And YES... I do have my good days. I'm just overwhelmed by grief and stress. I'm sleeping in my dads bedroom.. in his bed... I think about him non-stop... I never thought I would be admitting this, but I miss his looking down at me with a cocked head to one side with "that tone" saying, "Little Girl...." Sadly when I do something he would have said it to me, I actually hear it in my head. I'm doing the bbq turkeys, I'm making the hamburgers, I'm mowing the lawn, I'm cleaning up the newspapers (the man had 3 delivered each day???), I'm taking out the trash and recycling... I'm doing the vacuuming.... I'm doing his jobs now. It really eats me up on a daily basis. And what am I doing with my grief... doing what I do best... burying it deep. I'm not talking about it... I'm just stuffing it as deep inside me as I can... I have to be the rock for my Mum. I have to be strong for my kids. Colin still asks questions about my dad... "when is Gramps coming back," "Did it hurt when he died," "Will I die on the floor like Gramps did." BLAH.

So now that my eyes are so irritated from the tears and wiping them, I think it's time to say g'bye for now. I have to go suck it up... and vacuum the living room.

Retaliation

Life... thrown into utter upheaval. I am walking in a constant daydream. I don't know which end is up anymore.

My dad died. I left Christian and moved in with Mum. I'm now unemployed. Christian and I are getting a divorce. We are trying to keep this as friendly as possible... and so far we are doing good. The kids are in a constant state of frustration and confusion. Andy (that's my brother for those who do not know) is CONSTANTLY on my ass about being a financial drain on my Mum and being a huge loser.

Yeah.... so... in a moment of retaliation I decided to dye my hair purple. I like it. In one move, I became the coolest Mum according to all the kids at the elementary school.... and at that same moment became the most despised parent :) Aaaahhhhhh screw them.

The Past Month...

It's been a little over a month since Dad died. Life has been thrown upside down. Highlights of the month:

Colin turned 6 on Monday. Keely will turn 7 on Saturday. Happy Birthday to my babies!!!!

The kids and I have moved in with Mum. We moved in shortly after my dad died. It's been quite a transition, but it is working well. The kids now have bunk beds. Colin thinks they are the greatest! Dogzilla loves living here... she runs and runs and runs with Mum's dogs.

yeah... that's the quick update. Sorry I've been so silent. It's been.... difficult.