Sunday, December 21, 2008

4 Days 'Til Christmas...

This isn't going to be a typical bouncy blog.. not that they have been the past few months... for those who I have been ignoring... for those who keep wondering why I'm not returning calls or emails or texts... I am sorry. The Marcia that everyone knows is still here... just in fleeting spurts. Today's blog will be some rambling about the inner workings of my mind. Again... not the happiest of places right now. And why am I publishing everything in a blog and not email individuals... I have ZERO email addy's! I have the laptop here and the PC (with EVERYTHING on it) is still at Christian's house. It's funny calling it his house... Anyway.... so... the only way I can get the info out is thru... tada... the blog. So... without further ado... My ramblings (stream of conscious style because I don't have it in me for proper spelling, grammar, punctuation, proof reading or paragraphs)....

I feel myself shutting down. I'm having trouble getting excited about anything. I'm finding myself just sitting alone in my room while the kids were at school just laying. I look at the clock and 3 hours had passed. Not sleeping. Not playing online. Not thinking. Just laying. I don't know if the anti-depressants aren't enough anymore even though I'm on a pretty big dosage? I know the anti-anxiety pills side of the Lexapro hasn't been enough. I'm taking the Xanax pretty constant right now. As soon as I let myself think it seems like I go into a panic. Such simple tiny things send me into a huge wave of anxiety. I've never felt quite this bad in my life. I'll send someone a text... and if I don't get a response suddenly I'm thrown into a wave of fear that I have upset the person????? Yeah... not like me AT ALL. I feel like I'm some 15 year old high school girl all over again with the huge waves of drama... even though this time it's unintentional. As a lot of you know, I have always had issues sleeping. I'm back on that same roller coaster... getting maybe 2 hours of sound sleep per night. The rest I'm up every 20-40 minutes... The only nights I really sleep decent are the nights that I have a phone sleep-over with someone (and if you happen to read this, I know I tell you often, but i REALLY REALLY appreciate the nights you are there for me). And for all of you who are thinking "you have got to be kidding me... falling asleep on the phone all night long stuck to your ear... blah blah blah...." shut up. I don't care what you think. Yes, it's psychosomatic. Leave me alone. It could be just the rhythm of breathing that is white noise in the background... it could be a lot of things. All I know is that the phone sleep-overs help me get thru the night. I feel comfortable and safe... And YES... I do have my good days. I'm just overwhelmed by grief and stress. I'm sleeping in my dads bedroom.. in his bed... I think about him non-stop... I never thought I would be admitting this, but I miss his looking down at me with a cocked head to one side with "that tone" saying, "Little Girl...." Sadly when I do something he would have said it to me, I actually hear it in my head. I'm doing the bbq turkeys, I'm making the hamburgers, I'm mowing the lawn, I'm cleaning up the newspapers (the man had 3 delivered each day???), I'm taking out the trash and recycling... I'm doing the vacuuming.... I'm doing his jobs now. It really eats me up on a daily basis. And what am I doing with my grief... doing what I do best... burying it deep. I'm not talking about it... I'm just stuffing it as deep inside me as I can... I have to be the rock for my Mum. I have to be strong for my kids. Colin still asks questions about my dad... "when is Gramps coming back," "Did it hurt when he died," "Will I die on the floor like Gramps did." BLAH.

So now that my eyes are so irritated from the tears and wiping them, I think it's time to say g'bye for now. I have to go suck it up... and vacuum the living room.

5 comments:

Amy said...

I know you are going through some crazy hard stuff right now. I can't even begin to fully understand how you are feeling right now, but you know I'm ALWAYS here for you. Call me, even if you just need a sounding board. I'm here to listen to you cry, scream, rant, ramble, talk, anything you need. I love you Marce!!

wendybird27 said...

Marci, I know you have to be the rock but you CAN'T bottle all this inside. It will and is going to kill your spirit. Even if you just talk about it in blogs and release it, that will help. You can't bury it though. I am so sorry you are going through these things and I wish there was something I could do for you. You know that I'm always here for you and I'm just waiting for you to make the first step. I love you very much.

nichole said...

listen, there are so many of us that are here for you...i know you know this and do not want to burden any of us with "your problems" believe me i KNOW this...i never want to burden anyone either...but please burden one of us. there is a light at the end of this, you will come out...unfortunately i cannot tell you when i just know it will happen...i went through this (sudden death of a parent, lawsuit on top of that) i just wnat you to reach out to someone, that is the first step. i miss you

daina said...

If you need to talk, call me. I'll have my cell phone on for my whole trip. You're not a bad friend, you're a friend who needs a friend. i'm here when you need me!
Many hugs!

Sarah Lynn said...

~You know I am always here for you, just call, text or do the old fashion snail mail thing!~~~I love you and if you need another "Phone Sleeping" buddy I am here for you!~