Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The End of December

So Christmas has come and gone. It's almost a new year. What a year. I know I said it last year... "2008, can't be worse than 2007" but that was a BLOODY TERRIBLE LIE!!!!! 2008 was MUCH worse than 2007. So I'm crossing my fingers with this one.... 2009 PLEASE DO NOT LET IT BE WORSE THAN 2008!!!!!!!!!!

I would recap the year for you, but I'm not in the mood.

The kids had a VERY small Christmas this year. We didn't have a tree or many gifts at all. The highlights: Keely is IN LOVE with her Easy Bake Oven. Colin got 2 Star Wars Transformers. Keely got some new books and workbooks. Colin got new clothes... Star Wars clothes rather. :)

Well... I'm off to go get some chompers brushed and toss them into bed. I just wanted to give a small update on Christmas. Woo! (can you read my enthusiasm?)

XooX to all my friends and family who tune in.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

4 Days 'Til Christmas...

This isn't going to be a typical bouncy blog.. not that they have been the past few months... for those who I have been ignoring... for those who keep wondering why I'm not returning calls or emails or texts... I am sorry. The Marcia that everyone knows is still here... just in fleeting spurts. Today's blog will be some rambling about the inner workings of my mind. Again... not the happiest of places right now. And why am I publishing everything in a blog and not email individuals... I have ZERO email addy's! I have the laptop here and the PC (with EVERYTHING on it) is still at Christian's house. It's funny calling it his house... Anyway.... so... the only way I can get the info out is thru... tada... the blog. So... without further ado... My ramblings (stream of conscious style because I don't have it in me for proper spelling, grammar, punctuation, proof reading or paragraphs)....

I feel myself shutting down. I'm having trouble getting excited about anything. I'm finding myself just sitting alone in my room while the kids were at school just laying. I look at the clock and 3 hours had passed. Not sleeping. Not playing online. Not thinking. Just laying. I don't know if the anti-depressants aren't enough anymore even though I'm on a pretty big dosage? I know the anti-anxiety pills side of the Lexapro hasn't been enough. I'm taking the Xanax pretty constant right now. As soon as I let myself think it seems like I go into a panic. Such simple tiny things send me into a huge wave of anxiety. I've never felt quite this bad in my life. I'll send someone a text... and if I don't get a response suddenly I'm thrown into a wave of fear that I have upset the person????? Yeah... not like me AT ALL. I feel like I'm some 15 year old high school girl all over again with the huge waves of drama... even though this time it's unintentional. As a lot of you know, I have always had issues sleeping. I'm back on that same roller coaster... getting maybe 2 hours of sound sleep per night. The rest I'm up every 20-40 minutes... The only nights I really sleep decent are the nights that I have a phone sleep-over with someone (and if you happen to read this, I know I tell you often, but i REALLY REALLY appreciate the nights you are there for me). And for all of you who are thinking "you have got to be kidding me... falling asleep on the phone all night long stuck to your ear... blah blah blah...." shut up. I don't care what you think. Yes, it's psychosomatic. Leave me alone. It could be just the rhythm of breathing that is white noise in the background... it could be a lot of things. All I know is that the phone sleep-overs help me get thru the night. I feel comfortable and safe... And YES... I do have my good days. I'm just overwhelmed by grief and stress. I'm sleeping in my dads bedroom.. in his bed... I think about him non-stop... I never thought I would be admitting this, but I miss his looking down at me with a cocked head to one side with "that tone" saying, "Little Girl...." Sadly when I do something he would have said it to me, I actually hear it in my head. I'm doing the bbq turkeys, I'm making the hamburgers, I'm mowing the lawn, I'm cleaning up the newspapers (the man had 3 delivered each day???), I'm taking out the trash and recycling... I'm doing the vacuuming.... I'm doing his jobs now. It really eats me up on a daily basis. And what am I doing with my grief... doing what I do best... burying it deep. I'm not talking about it... I'm just stuffing it as deep inside me as I can... I have to be the rock for my Mum. I have to be strong for my kids. Colin still asks questions about my dad... "when is Gramps coming back," "Did it hurt when he died," "Will I die on the floor like Gramps did." BLAH.

So now that my eyes are so irritated from the tears and wiping them, I think it's time to say g'bye for now. I have to go suck it up... and vacuum the living room.

Monday, December 15, 2008


Life... thrown into utter upheaval. I am walking in a constant daydream. I don't know which end is up anymore.

My dad died. I left Christian and moved in with Mum. I'm now unemployed. Christian and I are getting a divorce. We are trying to keep this as friendly as possible... and so far we are doing good. The kids are in a constant state of frustration and confusion. Andy (that's my brother for those who do not know) is CONSTANTLY on my ass about being a financial drain on my Mum and being a huge loser.

Yeah.... so... in a moment of retaliation I decided to dye my hair purple. I like it. In one move, I became the coolest Mum according to all the kids at the elementary school.... and at that same moment became the most despised parent :) Aaaahhhhhh screw them.