Hi January, How ya Doin'?

Hello January! I know that I've only known you for 3 days now, but I just wanted to say one thing... thanks for starting out uneventfully.

The End of December

So Christmas has come and gone. It's almost a new year. What a year. I know I said it last year... "2008, can't be worse than 2007" but that was a BLOODY TERRIBLE LIE!!!!! 2008 was MUCH worse than 2007. So I'm crossing my fingers with this one.... 2009 PLEASE DO NOT LET IT BE WORSE THAN 2008!!!!!!!!!!

I would recap the year for you, but I'm not in the mood.

The kids had a VERY small Christmas this year. We didn't have a tree or many gifts at all. The highlights: Keely is IN LOVE with her Easy Bake Oven. Colin got 2 Star Wars Transformers. Keely got some new books and workbooks. Colin got new clothes... Star Wars clothes rather. :)

Well... I'm off to go get some chompers brushed and toss them into bed. I just wanted to give a small update on Christmas. Woo! (can you read my enthusiasm?)

XooX to all my friends and family who tune in.

4 Days 'Til Christmas...

This isn't going to be a typical bouncy blog.. not that they have been the past few months... for those who I have been ignoring... for those who keep wondering why I'm not returning calls or emails or texts... I am sorry. The Marcia that everyone knows is still here... just in fleeting spurts. Today's blog will be some rambling about the inner workings of my mind. Again... not the happiest of places right now. And why am I publishing everything in a blog and not email individuals... I have ZERO email addy's! I have the laptop here and the PC (with EVERYTHING on it) is still at Christian's house. It's funny calling it his house... Anyway.... so... the only way I can get the info out is thru... tada... the blog. So... without further ado... My ramblings (stream of conscious style because I don't have it in me for proper spelling, grammar, punctuation, proof reading or paragraphs)....

I feel myself shutting down. I'm having trouble getting excited about anything. I'm finding myself just sitting alone in my room while the kids were at school just laying. I look at the clock and 3 hours had passed. Not sleeping. Not playing online. Not thinking. Just laying. I don't know if the anti-depressants aren't enough anymore even though I'm on a pretty big dosage? I know the anti-anxiety pills side of the Lexapro hasn't been enough. I'm taking the Xanax pretty constant right now. As soon as I let myself think it seems like I go into a panic. Such simple tiny things send me into a huge wave of anxiety. I've never felt quite this bad in my life. I'll send someone a text... and if I don't get a response suddenly I'm thrown into a wave of fear that I have upset the person????? Yeah... not like me AT ALL. I feel like I'm some 15 year old high school girl all over again with the huge waves of drama... even though this time it's unintentional. As a lot of you know, I have always had issues sleeping. I'm back on that same roller coaster... getting maybe 2 hours of sound sleep per night. The rest I'm up every 20-40 minutes... The only nights I really sleep decent are the nights that I have a phone sleep-over with someone (and if you happen to read this, I know I tell you often, but i REALLY REALLY appreciate the nights you are there for me). And for all of you who are thinking "you have got to be kidding me... falling asleep on the phone all night long stuck to your ear... blah blah blah...." shut up. I don't care what you think. Yes, it's psychosomatic. Leave me alone. It could be just the rhythm of breathing that is white noise in the background... it could be a lot of things. All I know is that the phone sleep-overs help me get thru the night. I feel comfortable and safe... And YES... I do have my good days. I'm just overwhelmed by grief and stress. I'm sleeping in my dads bedroom.. in his bed... I think about him non-stop... I never thought I would be admitting this, but I miss his looking down at me with a cocked head to one side with "that tone" saying, "Little Girl...." Sadly when I do something he would have said it to me, I actually hear it in my head. I'm doing the bbq turkeys, I'm making the hamburgers, I'm mowing the lawn, I'm cleaning up the newspapers (the man had 3 delivered each day???), I'm taking out the trash and recycling... I'm doing the vacuuming.... I'm doing his jobs now. It really eats me up on a daily basis. And what am I doing with my grief... doing what I do best... burying it deep. I'm not talking about it... I'm just stuffing it as deep inside me as I can... I have to be the rock for my Mum. I have to be strong for my kids. Colin still asks questions about my dad... "when is Gramps coming back," "Did it hurt when he died," "Will I die on the floor like Gramps did." BLAH.

So now that my eyes are so irritated from the tears and wiping them, I think it's time to say g'bye for now. I have to go suck it up... and vacuum the living room.

Retaliation

Life... thrown into utter upheaval. I am walking in a constant daydream. I don't know which end is up anymore.

My dad died. I left Christian and moved in with Mum. I'm now unemployed. Christian and I are getting a divorce. We are trying to keep this as friendly as possible... and so far we are doing good. The kids are in a constant state of frustration and confusion. Andy (that's my brother for those who do not know) is CONSTANTLY on my ass about being a financial drain on my Mum and being a huge loser.

Yeah.... so... in a moment of retaliation I decided to dye my hair purple. I like it. In one move, I became the coolest Mum according to all the kids at the elementary school.... and at that same moment became the most despised parent :) Aaaahhhhhh screw them.

The Past Month...

It's been a little over a month since Dad died. Life has been thrown upside down. Highlights of the month:

Colin turned 6 on Monday. Keely will turn 7 on Saturday. Happy Birthday to my babies!!!!

The kids and I have moved in with Mum. We moved in shortly after my dad died. It's been quite a transition, but it is working well. The kids now have bunk beds. Colin thinks they are the greatest! Dogzilla loves living here... she runs and runs and runs with Mum's dogs.

yeah... that's the quick update. Sorry I've been so silent. It's been.... difficult.

RIP Daddy... I Miss You SO SO SO SO SO Much

I don't know if I will even be able to get thru this blog. Just starting it has my hands shaking and the tears pouring down my round cheeks.

On the 21st, Nana (my Mum's Mum) had her foot partially amputated. She had been in the hospital for 2 weeks prior with some serious issues and had already had two toe amputations during the two weeks. Mum was at the hospital all day.

On the 22nd, Mum spent the whole day with Nana at the hospital again. Nana kept telling my Mum to go home and spend some time with her husband. She had been at the hospital at least 6 hours every day that Nana was in there.

Mum got home later and my Dad had made her dinner. They ate and watched Boston Legal on the Tivo. She got up when it ended and went into the bathroom to start getting ready for bed. She was in the bathroom 20 minutes when he dogs started barking. She was agitated that my Dad wasn't quieting them. She walked around the corner yelling, "Thomas! Shut the dogs up!" and saw him laying in an odd place on the floor. She thought he was playing one of the dog's favourite games, so she walked over and smacked him. He was ice cold.

While the paramedics were on their way, the 911 operator walked her through CPR. As soon as the paramedics arrived and started working on him, she phoned me. I had NO idea what she was saying... it was 11:13pm and I had already fallen asleep. I just KNEW that I had to get there and in my heart I knew why. I drove a mere 80 mph to her house and saw as they were lifting him into the back of the ambulance. There was no urgency. There was no rush. I knew he was gone.

Andy wouldn't answer his phone so I called Jessica. She woke him. He called me as I was walking into Mum's- he was pissed off at me.
"What the f- is going on."
"Andy, you need to get here... NOW."
"I will, but you need to tell me what the f-is going on. I just woke up."
"Andy, get here. I'm pretty sure Dad is dead."
"Why the f-would you say that? Don't be stupid."
"Get here... NOW."

After a few minutes of looking for Dad's wallet the ambulance finally left. I got Mum into my car. She was in shock; terrified. I watched the sky as I drove. Looking at the clouds, the moon, the few stars I could see. I nattered on and on and on about them... trying to keep my mind clear so I didn't kill Mum and I on the way.

When we got there, they took us to the conference room. That only means one thing. They pronounced him dead at 11:59. They said it was a heart attack. His heart just stopped. It was instant.... no pain. We couldn't pull Mum from his side. She wouldn't leave him. She couldn't leave him. They met when they were 15... high school sweethearts. You don't find your soul mate at 15 years old....

My Dad and I didn't always have the greatest relationship, but we loved each other. He and I always vexed one another. Neither of us could walk away from an argument; we always had to get the last word in. His jokes were terrible and I would always tell him to stop telling them. He was always on my case about stealing from him... if something cost $29.86 and he gave me $30, he would ALWAYS demand the change I was "trying to steal."

However, we had our documentary's, getting the pleasure of rubbing Udder Balm on his dry feet, random knowledge brought us close, It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown, Rocky Horror Picture Show, A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, smoked turkeys at every chance, "Little Girl, live your life by A Charlie Brown Christmas and you will always find happiness," astronomy, meteor showers (especially Orionids), watching Alton Brown cook and dry humour of Good Eats, MythBusters.... October through January we were side by side. Deciding he would be called "Gramps" and from that moment on, all the vexing of earlier years washed away.

Keely took his death VERY hard. She cried and cried and cried. Her relationship with him was EXACTLY like mine. Those two butted heads NON STOP. The day he died, he had picked the kids up from school just because he wanted to. They had their typical day together. This is all she can fixate on; "Gramps said I had a red-day at his house just like I did at school."

Colin tried so so hard to understand. He's taking it pretty badly, too. He and his Gramps were best buddies. They played Mr. Potato Head all the time. It was something special they did with each other. He said he never wants to play Potato Head again.

RIP Daddy.....

THOMAS ALLEN DAMIANO
04/13/1952-10/22/08

I'm not dead...

It's been a month. I have had a few ask if I'm dead. Nope... just head in the clouds.

Colin is doing SO SO SO well in school. I can't believe the change between this year and last. Yes, he has matured and I worked my bumm off over the summer to help him control some of his anger issues, but this teacher... he adores her and she works SSSOOO well with him!!!!

Keely's school year... well, you can probably guess how it is going. Not much has changed between this year and last. This week I have started a new reward system for her behaviours at school. granted, I am on two days in, but I have seen progress already!!! Let's hope this lasts a few weeks!!!

Work. We all know how hesitant I was to go back. We all know I wanted to stay home and sew all day long. So, now that I have been there a month, what do I think. I think it's a great job for me. 9-2. I'm off in time to pick the kids up from school. I'm guaranteed at least one of the weekend days off. I get to make embroideries each day. I get to play on sewing machines. Once I "learn" all the machines, I will be able to take my own projects in and work on my stuff there. I guess it's pretty great. The hourly is pretty horrible, but the commissions are nice; not a lot, but enough to make a difference... surprise money each check.

I am trying to get my trip to England planned for March over Easter. Auntie Sheila is SSSOOO excited about it. I really think that due to her age and health, someone really must make the attempt to get to know the family there. Someone has to keep the lines of communication going. If we don't we lose that huge branch of the family. I can't wait. Most of you know it has ALWAYS been my dream to go to England. I just never did anything about it... until now. I have a friend who lives in England and he said he will be my tour guide :)

I have sewn 6 skirts over the month. I have to dress "semi-professional" for work. We all know I have my wrap skirts... Elvis, giant mermaids... my Peter Pan syndrome lives in thru my clothes. Now I actually have to look... decent. In the beginning, I thought it was going to be the deal breaker for the job! It's not so bad. I actually have been enjoying the skirts. *gasp* Yes, you heard it right. I don't mind the skirts. I do get to have my pigtails, so I think that has helped the situation!!!!!

I have to confess that I have been reading the Twilight series. First Amy told me about them. Then 'Stina. Then 'Stina talked my mum into reading Twilight and I got my hands on it moments after she finished. I started and thought it was lame. I couldn't believe that THIS is what EVERYONE was talking about. It was so... high schhol angst. Then it happened.... I became a girl obsessed. Maybe that's half the reason that I haven't been sewing much... I've had my nose stuck in the books as often as I can!!! It is NO Harry Potter, but I am head over heels in love with Edward Cullins!

My brain is all over the place. Sorry for the disjointed blog. This past month my head has been in the clouds.

Well, it's 6am now. I really must get up and moving. I have lunches to make, myself to get ready, kitties to feed, kids to wake.... fun fun fun!